January 16, 2010

• Finding Your Life Partner

  My roles as a social worker and as a pastor have provided me with a great deal of exposure to other people’s experiences with finding and losing life partners.  My personal experiences have been more about looking for life partners.  Most recent statistics indicate that 40% of legally recognized marriages end in divorce which does not reflect the percentage of committed relationships not legally recognized that are dissolved.  I do not see the dissolution of committed relationships as a failure or reflective of some moral defect on the part of those who dissolve their vows.  I realize this may be a controversial topic for some of you and I think it is providential that I am offering my thoughts on it two weeks before I get out of town.

   

  I believe the concept that we will meet the one person God has selected as our soul mate and we will live in harmony with this person for our entire lives may be unrealistic and more than is promised by God.  There are very few examples of lifelong monogamous relationships between two persons found in our sacred texts or in the world around us.  Marriages began as economic and political tools to solidify wealth and power and these marriages had a better chance of survival.  As long as the union maintained the wealth and power in the hands of those involved, the marriage survived.  Marriages based on romance and love have had a much poorer success rate.  As I tell people who come to me for marriage counselling, love is always a choice.  We fall in and out of superficial love easily.  Some marriages fail because one or all parties involved are unwilling to work at keeping the relationship healthy and strong.  I am saddened when people throw out their commitments because of difficulties or because it just isn’t fun anymore but I believe this is the smallest percentage of failed committed relationships.

   

  My experience has been that the majority of committed relationships dissolve because the people in the relationship have changed, they have grown in ways that never could have been anticipated when they made their commitments to each other.  I rejoice in those relationships when those involved have grown individually and together.  Their life changes and changing points of view have brought them closer together and resulted in their shared experiences creating an even stronger bond between them.  While this is a joy, it is not the experience of everyone in a committed relationship and is not a reason for people to remain in relationship that is no longer a good fit.  We, as society or as church, should never attempt to force people to remain in relationships that are not healthy or safe for the sake of appearances.  Only those in the relationship can know whether it is salvageable or not and we should respect their struggles and decisions.

   

  An unfortunate outcome of committed relationships that dissolve is the need on the part of some to punish or hurt in retaliation for their disappointment.  I spoke with a clergy colleague this week whose congregation is on the verge of exploding because of a break up of two prominent persons in the church.  Each person is making accusations against the other and demanding the church censure the other.  The intimate sharing and support they received from each other has turned into rage and they are intent on destroying the other and they do not care of they destroy the church in the process.  It would be so much better if we could develop better skills for entering and exiting committed relationships so that we could continue to treasure and respect the intimacy that once existed and accept our sorrow over the loss of intimacy in ways that did not require an equal or greater infliction of hurt on the other.

   

  When I am asked to celebrate and bless a commitment, I insist the Divine be a central participant in the ritual and in the vows.  I do this because I firmly believe God is the only partner we can find that will never lose patience with us, will never be surprised by the changes of direction in our lives, and who will never find our behaviour unforgiveable or outside of God’s love.  It is only as we are able to draw on God’s love and model our love for each other after God’s love for us that we have any hope of finding and being partners for life.  Amen.

  • 3:36 pm
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